Romance Verses Battle of the Sexes

Romance Verses Battle of the Sexes

Any couple can have a deep intimate relationship if they can follow the formula. You can say the brain processes life with a four step cycle repeated over and over. I give each step a widget to illustrate it.  This is the key.

The rudimentary formula is:   

(1) Empathy, empathy motivates self change. (2-5) Tweak the widgets of Perception, Emotions, Beliefs, and Habits. (6)Be rewarded with mutual empathy and joy. 

Probably twenty five to fifty percent of couples do it naturally or only need minimal help. Another twenty five percent to forty percent can do it with counseling or coaching. That leaves about ten percent that may be too challenged, but with patience some of them can at least enter the zone of tolerable relationships.

First and last steps of formula, Motivation and Reward:

First there must be motivation to want the relationship. To accomplish this both persons have to look at their partner with empathy, we will go over how to do that if it does not come easily. If you can see them as lovable creatures that deserve love and attention despite their limitations you are ready to look at the four steps of tweaking your widgets so they shape your relationship to be fair and equitable. Empathy is the last step of a successful relationship. Success is feeling rewarded and satisfied, when this occurs you will be happy with the relationship. 

That is the formula, but, you say, that is one sided, giving empathy but maybe not receiving it.  Yes, you say, we will have a relationship but what about the romance? Yes it is, so I will say if the other person is able and willing to do the same, you will have a romantic relationship.

Yes, of course, the romance can not grow or sustain itself without a relationship that is equitable, or the relationship will decay into a fight for supremacy. Romance is hard if your relationship is not safe for both of you. Like a delicate flower it needs the right conditions to grow. Then it begins to grow on its own. That is, if the toxicity of a bad relationship or even the memory of it spoils the soul, the flower struggles and wilts and dies. Romance is built into your DNA, and so is a good relationship, but if we do not see, feel, think and do things with the right conditions the DNA also has lies, greed, blame and violence built into it.

If you change your empathy the rest of the formula will change a bit for the better, or if your perceptions change, or fear and love change, or beliefs and thoughts change, or even habits, all the others change and will be either more receptive to or toxic to a relationship and romance. We will address them individually in other posts.

Genetics

There are biological differences in everyone to be able to control empathy, perception, emotions, thoughts, and habits so the journey to romance will vary. We will talk about the differences in people and how they can realistically change for the best results in other posts. So in the formula the different tasks or concepts needed to change will very a bit. I will start wit:

Differences between Men and Women

Most problems in relationships versus friendships is that males see a relationship from the perspective of male status, will it help or harm, and women are below them in status with other men. They often do not see the goals of women. Women can choose more easily if they want to join the male hierarchy world. It’s not so easy for men, they really have to live in both worlds to feel like they are a man and not just a domestic slave or a civic slave.

Women are nurturers and look to relationships to further the opportunities for nurturing relationships with little perspective of the male’s perspective. This can be in reverse with some couples. We are talking trends not absolutes.

GM wants protection and he wants status.

02 Other men in the hierarchy are focused on status and not on the private lives of other men. They want loyalty and can not see much beyond that as they are not involved in the lives of their followers unless men ask them to be. When they give advice they may give advice to just leave the female.

03 When confronted with an all or nothing choice men are in a quandary as what to do because women and their male friends know little about how men can live in two worlds, that of men and of women. Men will want them to abandon the female world and women many ask them to abandon the male world.

04 When men bring into the home their status hierarchy it will seem abusive to women as the nurturance is not there.

05 When men try and join forces against women the women get defensive, as they can not easily compete in male status hierarchies, they want to get rid of the threat and live alone.

06 Genetically men have larger Lower Natures from testosterone so they can be warriors and protect without hesitation and fight for their status with other men. When men decide to hunt women or challenge them for status, violence can be deadly. So women do not want to stay around if men blame them for their lack of status.

 

07  The feminine side of men and women holds the secrets to relationships and fairness to children, women, and to other men. Mothers tend to give equal opportunities to all their children of various ages according to their needs, strengths, and weakness. They expect men will do the same but not all men go by their fairness rules and the fight is not far away. Women fight to protect their children and themselves so they can help their family survive. It’s built into the genetics.

08 Females, animals and humans, create the basic society for the survival of relationships, children, and family. They have the built in genetic skills if they feel safe and protected. They teach their’ son’s how to be a woman’s man while the father teaches him to be a man’s man. But to go up societies hierarchies men and women and even children have to know how to be nurturing to compete with the best.

 

09 Society has an Upper and Lower nature to it depending on the shops and agencies it creates and where on the hierarchy they are. They tend to be more popular because they are meeting the needs of others. They more you understand others the more power you can obtain. Those at the bottom tend to get into more visible criminal activity and end up in hot water.

 

10  The first step to a better relationship is to ask each other, and others who have a reputation for knowing more, what works, what helps to create and maintain satisfaction and happiness. In other words what works. Basically, remember the four steps of the brain are Perception of the factors to look for, the things and people and the patterns in reality, so they can know what problems need to have solutions , Emotions that allow you to feel safe and loved and valued, Beliefs that help you be fair and equitable to others so you can help them and or network, and Habits and actions that help with you and the others stay in the Upper Nature, the  first four steps. If there is fear involved humans tend to drop into their Lower Natures and believe or tell lies, be selfish, blame others, and or become aggressive.

11 Remember the four steps of the brain are Perception of the factors to look for, emotions that allow you to feel safe and loved, beliefs that help you be fair and equitable to others, and habits of action that help with your and the others first four steps. If there is fear involved humans tend to drop into their Lower Natures and see or tell lies, be selfish, blame others, or are aggressive. 

This list is a starter to begin to think about your widgets that run the four stages of the Upper Nature (perception, emotions, beliefs, and actions) and the widgets that change those four steps for the worse in the Lower Nature so you can introspect and see where and what you need to change.

I will be writing, and illustrating if time allows, on how to tweak these steps. Your questions will help me be relevant for those who wish to participate by comments and questions. I will make this as interactive as I can if you wish me to.